This post is just for me. There are days when I feel so overwhelmed and discouraged that I can't even make sense of my day and what parts of it actually matter. These are the "bad" days usually brought about by a lack of sleep or some other stress that I'm carrying. On these days it ALL feels mundane and exhausting and at the end of them I'm not even sure why. At the end of these days it feels like I've just spent Every. Single. Moment. doing something for someone and yet I've accomplished NOTHING and have absolutely nothing to show for the exhaustion I'm feeling. As I try to recall what I've done in order to validate my own feelings and settle myself I find myself thinking that nothing I did was noteworthy enough to recall and I think that by doing this, by not being willing to acknowledging the seemingly small and ordinary things, I allow myself believe that what I do doesn't matter and to slip into self pity and discouragement.
Anyway, so on this particular Monday, the Monday of the twins' 2nd birthday, I was feeling like this and things were quickly spiraling out of control but instead of just letting the day proceed as usual I had this thought to document the details of my day. To take a bunch of pictures and videos so that when the day was over I would be able to look back on it. My hope was that when I did I would be able to actually acknowledge the value of the small things and the choices I made and perhaps feel a sense of pride rather than shame for my feelings of exhaustion.
7:00 Daddy picked up doughnuts for the girls' birthday. The big kids ate donuts and packed lunches to get ready for school.
7:20 Woke up the babies so Daddy could say happy birthday and then loaded them into the car with their donuts
7:45 Leave to drop off the big 4 at school and and listen to Aubrey and Evie fight over a toy the entire way.
8:20 Grocery pick-up. Usually fast but of course took FOREVER today.
8:50 Coffee
Unfortunately the coffee was a BIG mistake because Evie then needed a water and while you wouldn't think that would be a big deal it was for Aubrey who now wanted Evie's water but couldn't have it because she'd spill it. So we pull over and I make Evie take a drink and then give me the water back so that Aubrey can't see it. Now I have one child whining and one child screaming. WINNING!!!
9:00 We're headed home!
And then there's poor Maddie just along for the ride while everyone else is loosing their mind.
9:03
I turn on the Christian radio to drown out the screaming and hear a song about God's eye being on the sparrow and try to take a deep breath. We will be home in 15 minutes.
9:20
Apparently being out of the car didn't so much fix anything for Aubrey.
So we take a few minutes to sit while she cries and I remind myself over and over that I will miss these days. I love these girls though sometimes I don't know how I'm going to find the energy necessary to get 2 toddlers through their terrible 2's while still saving something for the other 5.
9:25 Time to unload the groceries.
We are recovering and even being helpful. How quickly thinks can change.
Meanwhile Maddie has found herself a snack.
And made a big mess.
9:30
AND... back to fighting. This time over the laundry basket. Insert Eye Roll!!!
Then they sweetly help me load the basket with dirty clothes.
10:00 Next it's time to quickly make the birthday cupcakes before we need to go back to school to pick up Hazel.
After pulling Aubrey off the counter a couple times I just CANNOT listen to any more crying!!!!! So here we are.... feeling like a bit of a failure and also a bit desperate.
Everyone wants to help and watch.
Though I was at the end of my rope 5 minutes ago trying to get Aubrey off the counter now they have me laughing. They're sooooo silly!
The good behavior never lasts long enough.
Entertainment by Miss Maddie.
10:30 Alright time to get dressed and go pick up Hazel.
11:30 After we pick up Hazel we spend a little bit of time outside playing with the puppies before lunch.
12:00 is nap time. HALLELUJA!!!
12:30 Once the babies are down and Hazel is done with homework it's time to clean up a bit. I fold a load of laundry, the girls help me pick up some toys, and I do some dishes while enjoying the pretty flowers I got for mothers day and focusing on being appreciative of the small things like clean dishes and flowers.
1:30 Then we feed the puppies and get together some paperwork ready for the puppy that is going home today.
1:45 Finally it's quiet time. Hazel and Evie have about a half an hour to play on their tablets while I wrap the presents I didn't get around to wrapping.
2:15 Next we frost the cupcakes quickly before we head back to school for the rest of the kiddos.
2:35 Waking up sleeping babies to put them in the car really is the WORST!!!
Maddie
Aubrey
I try to enjoy the fact that the house is mostly picked up as I head out the door because it surely won't last long.
2:42 Time to go but this little bugger has escaped to again!
3:15 Daddy is home a little early to help manage kids while we send our next puppy home.
THANK YOU!!!
4:00 Presents
4:45 Dinner Prep and thank you to Grandpa for his card.
6:00 Finishing up dinner with cupcakes.
6:30 A few minutes outside in our new swimsuit and dress up gloves before bed.
7:00 Babies to bed
7:15 Hazel and Evie to Bed
7:30 Devotions with the big 3
8:00 Mommy and Daddy get to sit for a few minutes before bed
9:00 Bedtime
Well I'm not sure my plan worked. I didn't necessarily look back and feel any better about the day. It still felt hard but it did help me to acknowledge that there are A LOT of things that happen in a day and that parenting littles can be quite an emotional roller coaster, especially when we allow our emotions to rule and reign rather than grounding ourselves in God's truth.
The truth is that there will ALWAYS be days like these because we are fallen people living in a fallen world. Yet, if we let them I think these days are one of the ways the Holy Spirit points us back to the cross. We see and feel our brokenness on these days, our inability to be enough, the shortness of our patience, the harshness of our tongues, the quickness of our tempers, and it reminds us that we must rely on Him. Not in a far away head knowledge kind of way but in a real, tangible, I need you to survive today kind of way. I really believe that all the little things we do both matter and don't. It matters how we love and serve our families but they're not ULTIMATELY dependent on us which is so hard for us to admit and at the same time so freeing. I think as parents we often assume a weight we weren't meant to carry. I think we're called to sacrificially love and protect and serve our children, consistently laying down our desires for them, all for the purpose of showing them the love of Jesus. Yet even as we do this we must consistently remember that they are His. God is working in and through us to care for our children and thankfully He has a plan for them, just as he has a plan for us, and it isn't dependent on us never messing up. It is His strength that will accomplish it all.
I hope that as these days with littles pass I will remember what they were like and be able to encourage other young moms. I've been in this stage for quite awhile so I don't imagine I'll forget any time soon but I also have no idea whether the next season will feel easier or harder. Either way I hope I can remember this season for what it was and remember where my strength is found, especially on the hard days like these.
